Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
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Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
President The Rock Obama
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.