Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
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You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.