Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
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Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.