The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
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God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Did my cat write this
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally