Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
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Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
me when i see my girls butt
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?