I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
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People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Body by Oreos
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter