2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
You Might Also Like
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
My blood type is coffee.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
I got bills
They’re multiplying