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Me recordaron éste meme
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
he chose this
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year