Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
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*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”