Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
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Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”