No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
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cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Danger is very dangerous
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.