Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
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lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.