I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
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If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
What if all the cashiers are married?
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?