MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
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I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet