Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
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When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it