So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
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During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.