What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
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Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.