I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
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“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people