them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
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“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
i hate you platonically
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD