The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
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I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.