I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
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Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.