Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
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Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
⛄️
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.