lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
You Might Also Like
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”