ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
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I’m not average. I’m mean.
constantly working on myself.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.