Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
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I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.