She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
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“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
who will stop them
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.