[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
You Might Also Like
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.