Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
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*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Owl Sanctuary
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie