Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
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Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
💻🤡
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
My blood type is b hungry.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start