I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
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Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Awesome parenting 😂
DOOO EEEET
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.