Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
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The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.