DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
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You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.