My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
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Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned