88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
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I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
When you’ve simply given up.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Still my favourite meme.