Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
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reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Otters see a butterfly.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.