With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
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I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I can’t wait!
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers