[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
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Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything