Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
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[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
#polloftheday
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.