GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
You Might Also Like
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.