I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
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Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”