My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
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“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days