Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
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[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
That eye roll….
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Möther may I have a snäck
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
You can’t outrun your problems…
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.