SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
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I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows