Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
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*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
wut hotdog?
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Google Pay be like:
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
the noise i just made
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here