Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
You Might Also Like
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Battery falling down a hole
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?