ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
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Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
How did we not see this back then?
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?