The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
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If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
im 7 sauces long
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
I have questions??
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.