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having children is great because just when youโre on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
โI canโt believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didnโt work out. They just kept eating all the patients!โ
โMaybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?โ
โAnd run the hospital cafeteria!โ
โMore bear involvement is obviously the answer!โ
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I donโt have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reeseโs Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Judas: I canโt wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, canโt wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Twitter is for people who donโt like to poop alone.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says โdo not use to view eclipseโ thatโs because of me
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.