If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
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Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
going to the ER y’all need anything
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.