My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
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To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
A wise man once said nothing.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself